1. What is marriage for? What's the end goal?
2. What Bible verses, passages, or themes shape your understanding of marriage?
3. A lot of people, including many Jews, Muslims, and non-theists would affirm that marriage is between one man and woman--so what, if anything, makes the Christian view of marriage different from those?
4. What difference does Jesus make for your view of marriage?
5. What does it mean for Christian husbands and wives to live "as if they do not" have spouses, for the sake of the kingdom (1 Cor. 7:29)?
6. If Christ is a picture of the Christian husband, then why has Christian thought and practice often tended toward abusive patriarchy instead of loving and self-giving service?
7. What about our thinking and practice needs to be corrected, or better killed, and then transformed so that Christian husbands can better take up their cross?
8. Since you think that gay Christians are called to a life of celibacy, are you committed to making sure that the church is a genuine family?
9. Since Jesus tells his followers to place their biological families second to his kingdom, do you married Christians give the single Christians in your church a place of priority above your extended biological family?
10. If you have kids, do they know the single Christians in church as well as their aunts and uncles and grandparents?
11. Are single and married Christians alike willing to take Ruth and Naomi kind of vows to show that, in a mobile and changing world, they are committed to long-term, even life-long friendships?
12. If we're not willing to make that commitment to each other, shouldn't we admit that we're refusing Christ's commands for his disciples just as much as those involved in same-sex activity?
13. Since Scripture affirms that singleness is a calling (and a preferable one) that allows one to seek first God's kingdom, how are we actively encouraging young people--gay and straight alike--to pursue that calling?
14. How do our Christian churches, colleges, families, and subcultures hold up singleness as a viable and worthy option?
15. How are single Christians being affirmed in their singleness rather than being seen as a "problem" to be solved by "fixing" them up with someone?
16.How can we actively rid ourselves of the idolization of marriage and the family?
17. If marriage won't persist in the resurrection, how can we affirm its good but relative status in the church today?
18. As you think about the history of the church and the near universal rejection of contraception and sterilization, what do you think that you (assuming you affirm the use of contraception) understand about the Bible that Augustine, Aquinas, Luther, and Calvin did not?
19. Since thinkers like these saw a link between same-sex sexual activity and sexual activity that divorced itself from procreation, why do you think so many straight Christians who affirm the latter reject the former? Is this consistent?
20. Is procreation an essential part of the marriage relationship?
21. If so, in what sense?
22. If not, how is the end result of sexual activity between a man and woman that is closed down to procreation different from the end result of same-sex sexual activity?
23. If we're against same-sex relationships because they are 'against nature,' that is, because it expresses an misalignment of our wills with the way God has created us (to be procreative, see above), then how do we address reproductive technologies, especially those that go beyond simply enabling husband and wife to conceive? For example, what does combining one spouse's sperm/egg with the sperm/egg of someone who is outside the marriage say about our view of the integrity of the marriage bond?
24. If you are for using medical technology to assist reproduction, why are you also against using medical technology to assist those individuals who identify as transgender or transsexual? How are these different?
25. While affirming the male-female distinction, are you able to identify the way that our expectations for "gender-appropriate behavior" is often conditioned by sinful cultural constructs?
26. Are you actively working to distinguish between what the Bible does and doesn't say about men and women, husbands and wives, and the way that our sin-affected culture (even sin-affected Christian culture) puts forth ideas about 'manhood' and 'womanhood' that may be more a product of tradition and less a product of sound biblical and theological thinking?
27. Why do you think the Bible supports monogamy, especially when there are plenty examples of polygamy, especially in the Old Testament?
28. Leviticus prohibits same-sex sexual activity. It also prohibits eating shellfish and wearing clothes made of two different kinds of cloth. So why do you still hold to some commands in Leviticus but not others?
29. The New Testament uses specific Greek (not English!) words to talk about same-sex sexual activity. Are you familiar with those words and how they functioned in the Greco-Roman culture of the first century? What were the New Testament authors condemning?
30. Are you willing to consistently speak against all forms of sexual immorality and not make it seem like same-sex sexual activity is somehow a sin above all others?
31. Is having a sexual orientation toward the same sex sinful in and of itself?
32. If so, how is this different from being attracted to (or lusting after) people of the opposite sex?
33. Why do people perceive many Christians to be anti-gay? Are you willing to confess the sins of the church in how it has handled Christians who are attracted to people of the same sex?
34. Do you think it is wise, for the sake of the Gospel, to fight so hard in the political sphere for your views to prevail?
35. If the first Christians lived in the Roman Empire, where their sexual ethic was a distinct minority, why do you think Christians in America fight so hard to have their ethic as the law of the land?
36. Should there be a way for gay couples to ensure their legal connections to one another, including having access to medical insurance, property rights, shared adoptions, and a host of other rights and privileges that recognize the long-term, even life-long, commitments they have made to one another?
37. Why do so many kids grow up in the church simply hearing the "no" of sex rather than learning the richness of why God created humanity as male and female?
38. How do you and your church constantly work against letting proper Christian discipline turn into legalism?
39. Do you make sexual sinners feel as welcome and forgiven as Jesus did, while also preaching the word of life and exhortation to 'go and sin no more'?
40. Can we see in LGBT persons a sign and pointer inherent in all human sexuality--that despite the sinful distortions we all have, our desire is a sign and pointer to the ultimate Beloved, the One alone who can fulfill our deepest longings and desire?
The marriage confusion that persists in Christian circles today is not because we've said or explained too much about marriage and singleness but said far, far too little, as though simply saying "one man and one woman" was a biblical defense of marriage. Much more could be added to these 40 questions, but answering these would be a good start.